A Solitary Walk
I have waited for so long to be alone, to talk to no one but Him and myself.
Yes, I finally found the courage to ride the bus that will take me to the port. I couldn’t even get a wink’s sleep. All I could think of is erasing every black cloud looming somewhere inside my head. They are as black as whatever it is I can see outside the window. Oh will you look at that! It’s raining. How more melodramatic can it get?
How many times have I wanted to get out of the box I was living in? How many times have I sneaked out, walking the first 20 meters, then ended up going back? Sometimes I’d think, why do I need to go out to be alone when all I can feel is loneliness and the foreboding sense of being alone? Why do I need to go far when all the things that surround me seem miles away?
The port. I’m here now. Next up, the waves. Funny how excited people are to board the wanna-be-boat and trust that it will bring them to the island of their dreams, where they can be able live a worry-free, doubled-up-prices, land of the sunshine. Me? I take it because I followed that voice that loudly, continuously whispers, "Go! Keep moving! Run! Run to somewhere he is not!" And so here I am.
Oh, wow. Can you see that sun? It’s so, well, bright. So, sunshine-y. I am not in the mood, but clear skies and a bright sun can really cast even the least light to that little dark room inside.
At last, land. Should I get a room? Not now. I haven’t decided yet if I should stay for a while or for as long as this white island will embrace me.
Lovely. It’s lovely how the water plays teasingly with the sand and my toes. It’s cold, as cold as what I’m feeling. May be not. The water’s not that cold to be compared to what I have been feeling since he walked out. Nope. Not that cold.
Crap. I thought I could run away from the sight of couples, holding hands, rubbing each other’s back, laughing at each other’s jokes. I should have known better. I should have known that this is one of them couples’ island, openly reminding me of the sweet nothings and empty promises.
Under the heat of the sun, with the cooling breeze kissing my cheeks, fine sand tickling my feet, I begin to feel it once again; the foreboding sense of loneliness. Well, granted, I am alone. But today, I feel more alone. Wasn’t this what I was asking for? To be away from the world, to be able to think? What am I to think? Every one already knows he left. Everybody has told me that I am a fool, to have waited on someone who clearly deserves nothing more than a shilling’s worth. Even I knew that. Even I knew that the promises of forever were nothing but lip service. If for every time he kissed me, whispered he loved me, I get a coin for being the world’s only living fool, I’ll be rich. But back then, during those moments he held me, I was a million times richer.
Once, he held my hand, the way that guy over there holds his girl’s hand – as if it was the most important treasure of all. And he made me smile. The kind of smile that creeps slowly into your heart – the kind that you wear until the end of the week, or until he makes you smile for yet another stupid, senseless, cute reason. Once, he cooked for me. Granted half was burned, but it was the best dinner we had. He would do the chores I hate, even though he hates them just as much. He sneaked in and bashed the walls I’ve put up for the likes of him. And I let him.
I can forget the lies, the deception, the undeserved lashes he brought unto me. But I could not, with all the strength I have, forget these moments when I felt, even for a while, that he cared. He could have cared. He wouldn’t be able to do those things if he didn’t. There were times when I was ready to leave, but as soon as I reach the door, he does these crazy things. Then I drop everything else and run towards him.
Oh God, have I no pride?
Hmmm. Salty. That’s weird, I haven’t gone for a dip yet. Oh, tears. Please God, take these tears away. I’m sorry, I didn’t keep my end of the bargain. Take these thoughts, these memories, these tears from me. They keep on tearing at me. And they hurt. Oh how they hurt!
It’s dark. I didn’t notice. See those stars? If only I could count them, then I would have something to think about other than... well.
Have you noticed how the moon glows so brightly against a dark sky? So bright, but so... alone. I guess I’m like the moon – alone in the midst of gazillion stars. And the brightness I radiate? It comes from the very core of loneliness.
Bitter you tell me, Lord? I guess I am, in a way. Please don’t ask me to be happy in the immediate future. I can’t. And I don’t want to lie to You or break yet another promise. We both know I have broken a lot. Let me wallow in bitterness, but please, take away the pain. Let me be alone for a while, but please, stay with me. You prove to be the best conversationalist during these times. Well, granted you don’t actually talk back, but... well... You know what I mean.
No, I don’t ask that you spare me from loving. I may have failed in love, but that does not mean I have no right to love nor do I want to love no more. One day, I know, this daunting sense of aloneness will be overpowered and trampled by the desire to share my life with someone. But not now, not sometime in the near future. Help me heal first. I want to be whole again, to pick up the pieces and be whole again. With You, I can do that. And in time.
I have waited so long to be alone. Now, I have. Maybe I shouldn’t have. I miss him. More so, I miss me.
posted by wishy wishy @ 6:22 AM
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